Without You
by wowyoung
Summary: What happens when Dan and Phil are on a slippery road to Chris and Pj's house?


A/n so ya Dan and Phil have a car in this one, a Kia Rio (shush go with it) and they live in a house, and their not in London anymore.

"Come on, Phillyyyy!" Dan begged excitedly, jumping up and down as he headed to the door, the keys jingling in his hand. "Lets go! Chris and Peej said they had cookies waiting for us." He frowned at me with puppy dog eyes as I rolled my eyes at him.

"Please," Dan said, and with his lip pouting out and his chocolate brown eyes wide, I couldn't say no.

I grinned and pushed myself up from the couch, throwing on a nearby jacket as I headed towards him.

Dan smiled and playfully tugged the strings on the jacket. "Stealer," He grinned wider as I looked down and realized it was his jacket.

"Whatever, lets just go." I chuckled, taking the keys from his hands and opening the door. Dan followed, complaining about how cold it was and the snow that was already on the ground and that there was ice all on the roads.

"What do you expect, Dan?" I teased, nudging him to the passenger side of the car while I walked around to go to the driver's side. "It is maybe kinda a little close to Christmas, ya know? Christmas Eve tomorrow, remember?"

Dan stuck his tongue out at me as he opened the car door and climbed into the seat as I did the same.

"Yeah, but I can dream, right?" Dan said, tapping his fingers against his knee after he had buckled his seat belt and was waiting for me to get ready to drive. "I can dream of the warmth of Summer, the smell of freshly mowed grass, the beach-" I cut off his 'daydream.'

"Oh, shut it," I said gently. "Like you ever go outside during the Summer." I put the keys in the ignition and turned them. The car started right away without a problem despite the ice everywhere.

"Stop ruining my daydream. I hate the snow." Dan grumbled, leaning his head against the seat and wrapping his arms around his chest. He actually looked pretty mad as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Hey, Dan, I was just kidding." I reassured him as I started to pull out of the driveway. When he still hasn't responded by the time that I had pulled out and started to drive, I reached over with one hand and tangled his hand with mine, keeping a firm grip on the steering wheel with my other hand. I gently squeezed and rubbed my thumb against the back of his hand in a soothing manner.

Dan sighed, and I glanced over and realized that I could see his breath. I quickly pulled away from him and turned the heater on, before intertwining our hands back together as they were before.

I kept my eyes on the road as I continued to drive on the long road to Chris and Pj's house. Trees and fields blurred past us as I drove, and I had just realized how far away Chris and Pj lived from us when Dan spoke.

"Sorry," He said, looking over at me and squeezing my hand. "You know how I am sometimes for literally no reason."

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak or I would get too distracted. The roads were pretty slippery from the ice that had appeared overnight.

But Dan obviously took this as a sign that I was ignoring him.

"Look, I'm sorry, Phil." He continued, his fingers starting to twitch a little in my hand. "I really am-"

"Shhh." I said, a little irritated. "I'm not mad, I'm just trying to concentrate because the roads are really slippery, and I could crash the car." I snapped.

Dan nodded quickly and pulled his hand away from mine, wrapping it around him.

I sighed and stretched my fingers before placing them on the steering wheel, gripping it as tightly as I could. My hand felt cold without Dan's warmth.

We drove for a long time in silence, and we were about ten minutes from Chris and Pj's house when Dan spoke again.

"Can we be on good terms when we reach their house, at least?" He said, his voice cracking a little.

And I had just looked away from the road for a short second when it happened.

There was a loud noise of glass shattering and metal bending, and I felt the sensation of jerking around and turning over before my head hit something and it all went dark.

The first thing my mind comprehended was the sharp pain in my head.

It felt as if someone had taken a hammer and smashed it into my head—actually, no. I've had a hammer fall on my head before, and it didn't feel anything like this.

I wanted to open my eyes to see what the hell had happened, but it seemed as if they were glued shut. Either that or I couldn't concentrate enough through the pain to open them.

The thing is, I didn't know what the hell had just happened. The last thing I remembered was doing something with Dan, and then everything after that is just a colorful blur. And then this. This blinding pain in my skull and thoughts racing through my head.

I was so confused that it was hurting my head even more.

Then everything went black again.

They told me that a week had passed by the time I had woken up.

Chris and Pj were there at the hospital when I came to. They were glued to their seats and they told me they had barely left since I had gotten here.

Which had left the question: how had I gotten here?

I didn't remember anything. The last thing I could fully remember was tackling Dan to the couch while Chris and Pj were there, and kissing him full out on the lips while Chris and Pj cheered and whistled suggestively. Everything after is a blur.

They had informed me, with surprise, that that had happened over a month ago.

The doctors said it was because of the brain damage from the accident.

Brain damage? Accident?

What the hell? What had happened to me?

Of course, I had asked Chris and Pj.

Their only answer was to tell me to focus on getting better. Just that.

I wanted to know where Dan was. I wanted to see him.

They wouldn't respond to that either.

I was more confused than ever.

They told me what happened about a month later, when I had gotten out of the hospital.

There was a car crash. With an eighteen wheeler. I had apparently swerved after I had spotted it at the last second. But, as I had swerved, the tires had slipped on a patch of ice and sent us careening in the opposite direction, towards the eighteen wheeler. It had hit the side Dan was on.

He was completely crushed.

While I had only a major head injury, causing me memory loss and permanent headaches.

If that ice hadn't been there, it would've been me in Dan's position.

They told me this, but I couldn't remember any of it.

A month later and I still don't remember anything.

The house feels uncomfortably empty. And quiet.

Where there used to be the sounds of giggling and flirting, there is not a bityer silence. Silence has replaced the best parts of the house. The laughing, talking, and whispering. The flirting, giggling, and joking. All replaced by silence.

It doesn't feel right. Especially since I remember him being here just like it was yesterday.

His chocolate eyes. His brown fringe. His pale skin. His dimple. I can still see them like they were just there yesterday.

But I can't see them today. Or the next day. Or the next day or the next day or the next.

It seems like it just disappeared overnight.

It doesn't feel right.

It happens a month later.

I was going to go to lay down after a sleepless night listlessly scrolling through the TV channels. I was halfway down the hallway when, in my half asleep state, my foot somehow hit my other foot and I was sent tumbling down to the floor.

My head hit the wall and a sharp pain immediately comes over me.

It feels strikingly familiar.

And that's when it all comes back.

 _"Come on, Phillyyyy!" Dan begged excitedly, jumping up and down as he headed to the door, the keys jingling in his hand. "Lets go! Chris and Peej said they had cookies waiting for us." He frowned at me with puppy dog eyes as I rolled my eyes at him._

The memories comes flodding back as I lay dazed on the floor.

 _Dan smiled and playfully tugged the strings on the jacket. "Stealer," He grinned wider as I looked down and realized it was his jacket._

 _"Stop ruining my daydream. I hate the snow." Dan grumbled, leaning his head against the seat and wrapping his arms around his chest. He actually looked pretty mad as he closed his eyes and took a deep breath._

 _"Hey, Dan, I was just kidding."_

 _"Sorry," He said, looking over at me and squeezing my hand. "You know how I am sometimes for literally no reason."_

 _The roads were pretty slippery from the ice that had appeared overnight._

 _"Look, I'm sorry, Phil. I really am-"_

 _"I'm not mad, I'm just trying to concentrate because the roads are really slippery, and I could crash the car." I snapped._

 _We drove for a long time in silence..._

 _"Can we be on good terms when we reach their house, at least?" He said, his voice cracking a little._

 _And I had just looked away from the road for a short second when it happened._

 _There was a loud noise of glass shattering and metal bending, and I felt the sensation of jerking around and turning over before my head hit something and it all went dark._

I don't know when I come to, or even when I passed out, but I eventually open my eyes.

There are tears in them.

Because I had finally remembered what happened.

Three months later.

It was too late.

Too late to say goodbye. Too late to fix everything.

Even too late to go to the funeral.

I was such a fucking idiot.

I had even missed the funeral.

The tears in my eyes threaten to overflow, and then the next thing I know, they are coming down and there are so many of them. It feels like I'm drowning in a river of three months of missed sorrow.

Three months of life without Dan.

And I hadn't even remembered what had happened.

I had called Chris and Pj in a fit of tears when I had remembered what happened. They had rushed over immediately, and I was alone for about an hour until they had reached the house.

They comforted me and gave me hugs and coaxed me out of my hiccuping crying fit.

I wished he was here.

I wish the car crash hadn't happened.

I wished it hadn't killed him.

But, most of all, I wished I was there with him.

I deserved to die.

And I knew that I would join him that night. As soon as Chris and Pj left that night, I'd be gone too.

Its been a long while since that day.

Around a year, actually.

I never got around to doing it that night. Ending it all.

Chris and Pj had stayed the night at my house that day, and they had stuck around for a few more days until they were sure I wouldn't do anything stupid.

Having Chris and Pj there for a while made me realize something.

I could go on without him.

There was a life without him in it, and I could live that life. I had other friends and they could help me through the tough times and the dark nights.

I had other friends who loved me just as much as he had.

It was a dark time after I remembered what had happened. There were many nights I woke up during a nightmare about him. After which, I would call a friend and talk for a while until I finally felt kind of better.

I could go on without him.

I realized that now.

Even if I hadn't that night I remembered.

Even though it might be hard losing him, waking up night after night without him by my side, I can live through it.

Because I know that, in the end, in whatever kind of afterlife there is, I'll be with you.

And even if that is years and years away, at least I can sure your cute little face whenever the heck I like.

A/N that kinda ended up... shorter and suckier than I thought huh

Also I went through three titles on this thing. (1. Car crash: for obvious reasons.. 2. We Had It All: inspired by a song by the Pim Stones.. 3. Without You: final choice xx)


End file.
